A pleasant surprise

I'm a terrible shopper.  Well, a terribly lazy shopper.  I just don't enjoy it.  I especially loathe shopping for clothes.  No form of shopping is more excruciating than going to the store, picking something out, going into the dressing room, and examining myself in the mirror.  Partly because I'm a lazy shopper, but mostly because I don't particularly like what I see.  

Hey, I'm aware that the mirror is supposed to be your friend.  I know it helps you make sure you're presentable.  But when nothing you wear can make you actually like what you see--when no article of clothing you ever try on will make you look the way you think you should, mirrors are to be avoided as much as possible.  Thus, the fitting room mirror and I only meet when absolutely necessary.  The result is a hodgepodge of clothing that's ill-fitted, but it's worth it if I don't have to spend time scrutinizing myself in the mirror.

I'm not gonna get into the pathology of body image issues or the need to love yourself for your intrinsic self-worth, regardless of how you look.  That's for another blog--or at least another post.  Let's just say that I understand everything I've said so far isn't indicative of a healthy self image.

Over the past week or two, I've started noticing that my clothes fit more comfortably.  My pants aren't as snug.  My belt needs to be another notch tighter.  The neck and arms of my shirts are a bit more breathable.  Plus, I can comfortably wear a couple shirts that I'd packed away in.  It was definitely to be expected, but the actual realization that it's happening has been a pleasant discovery.  However, nothing could prepare me for this morning's surprise.  As I walked past the full-length mirror in the restroom at work, out of the corner of my eye I thought I glimpsed something a little "off" about my reflection.  At first, it didn't register what was different.  So, pushing through my natural instinct to avoid the mirror, I looked again and it hit me.  It may even be only barely noticeable, but my reflection appeared to be slimmer.  My posture seems better and there's a level of confidence I haven't noticed before.  It hit me that I'm off to a good (and visible) start.

It seems that in addition to the physical proportions, my body image is changing.  I like to believe that this positive change in body image is considerably less about weight loss than it is about my realigning priorities.  Unlike past attempts at weight loss, this time my real goal is to develop patterns of healthy living.  Despite the number of posts here about weight and other measurable indicators of progress (and a pretty, pretty iPad), the focus of this process is on positive choices that result in positive and permanent changes.  Standing in front of the mirror this morning, it never once occurred to me to be critical of what I saw.  Where the typical response would have been one of discomfort, this morning it was one of surprise and delight and genuine appreciation.  So for a moment let's forget what the scale says, what the mirror shows, and how the clothes fit.  The most profound change is one that can't be measured and tracked in a spreadsheet.  All I can do is simply to note that it's happening.  This morning I looked in the mirror and, for the first time in longer than I can remember, actually saw myself.